


Penance

by snobbleweb



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV) Needs A Hug, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, after lucifer kills uriel, chloe is worried, everyone is worried, lucifer hates his mom now, suicidal Lucifer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-18 04:32:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17573936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snobbleweb/pseuds/snobbleweb
Summary: Lucifer's decision to take his brother's life weighs on him, wondering if he deserves to live after what he's done.





	Penance

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning for attempted suicide  
> Anyway I just needed to make an extremely sad and angsty fic :,)  
> And a bit of comfort after and trying to get over Uriel's death with Chloe's help.

Lucifer held his shaking hand in front him, watching blood trickle down.  
“He was my brother,” He knew he had done it to save his mom and Chloe, but he felt sick.  
“Uriel, I-” He knelt down in shaking sobs as Maze watched. She bowed her head and left him, holding onto his brother and started to yell. She winced as he screamed loudly one last time. It took almost an hour for Lucifer to manage to step away from Uriel’s body, shaking and limping away. He walked all the way home.  
-  
“Where’s Uriel?” The goddess asked, stepping towards her shaking son.  
“Get out,” He whispered, not able to look her in the eye. She let out a pained gasp.  
“No, no, no, no, no, Lucy what did you do,” He stumbled away, turning away from her.  
“Get out!” He yelled, trembling and holding onto the bar for dear life. She trembled and shook but slowly made her way to the elevator, leaving Lucifer alone. He crumbled against the bar, bringing a few glasses shattering down with him. He covered his mouth with his hand and sobbed.  
He needed something, anything to dull the pain. What had he done? He was a monster. A monster that stabbed his own brother. It didn’t matter why. He rummaged in his drawer for his stash and quickly took it, not minding the waterfall of pills that didn’t make it into his mouth. He staggered onto the stairs and collapsed by his bed, leaning his head back against the bed frame. He quickly started feeling his bodies reaction, but it wasn’t enough to dull the pain. Human drugs wouldn’t have enough effect on him. His gaze drifted across the penthouse where he had dropped Azrael's blade. He crawled over to it and leaned against the bar. He stared at it, feeling like he was in a hell loop as he felt himself slicing into his brother over and over and over. In a daze, he opened his shirt and put the blade where he has stabbed Uriel. He breached the skin and watched, dead faced as the blood trickled down his torso and onto his pants. He thought back to his brother’s blood, pooling around his body and a new flash of hurt washed over Lucifer. No human would ever accept him after this, he was too far gone. He was a monster. He couldn't take all that he had done to this world. Breathing heavily, and crying in fear, he pushed the blade in. He gasped and let go of the blade, collapsing sideways away from the bar, blood pooling beneath him. He had purposefully stabbed in a place that would prolong his death, making him suffer in his last moments. He didn't deserve a quick and painless end.  
-  
Maze rubbed her head and stumbled into her new apartment. They had just started moving in and Chloe was busy unpacking all her human garbage still. She saw the light on in Trixies room and faint voices. Maze stumbled and hit the counter, frantically grabbing for a drink. She had been drinking for hours, thinking.  
Chloe heard the noise and quickly jumped out of bed with Trixie to investigate, when she saw it was Maze she relaxed.  
“Maze I- Wait are you okay?” Maze stared at the countertop and clenched her glass.  
“He cried, he never cries,” Chloe approached her, laying a gentle hand on her shoulder.  
“Who? Who was crying?” She whipped around and hit away Chloe’s arm.  
“He- He’s not supposed to be weak, he’s not supposed to feel empathy for doing what he did, he did it for you…” She crumpled forward into Chloe’s embrace, and started crying herself. Chloe was very put off and worried. She had never seen Maze like this. Who was she talking about? Lucifer? Who else could she be talking about?  
“He’s changed, he’s changed so much, I miss the man he used to be, I miss my Lucifer,” Chloe hugged Maze tighter and processed the information.  
“Maze, I-I’m sure he’s not that different, just because he was crying doesn't mean-”  
“You don’t understand! I’m… I’m never going home,” Her voice was breaking.  
“Okay Maze, It’s okay,” She brought Maze over to the couch, noticing Trixie walking in, holding one of her stuffed animals.  
“What’s wrong with Maze?” Trixie asked quietly.  
“She’s just a little drunk honey, you should go back to sleep,” Trixie stood there, unsure what to do. She stepped forward and handed her stuffed animal to Maze, who hesitantly took it, looking at Trixie with tear stained eyes. Maze hugged it tightly and Trixie went back to bed. Maze sobbed for a good hour as Chloe comforted her.  
“He did it for you,” She said, feverishly rubbing the stuffed animals fuzzy ear.  
“What? Lucifer? What did he do?”  
“He killed his brother,” Chloe visibly tensed at that, completely shocked.  
“What?” She asked, a squeak in her voice.  
“He killed Amenadiel?” Maze quickly shook her head.  
“Uriel, his little brother,” Chloe looked down and pulled away from Maze.  
“He was going to kill you,” Maze said and Chloe snapped up.  
“Why?”  
“Lucifer broke a deal with his father, wanting to protect his mother,” She hissed the last word. Chloe looked at her lap, trying to process what she was saying.  
“Is Lucifer okay?” She couldn’t believe she was asking that, Lucifer had killed someone, and she was asking if he was okay.  
“When I left him, he was sobbing like a baby,” Maze said, able to bring a little humor to the situation somehow. But Maze was still shaken. Chloe bit her lip, wondering what to do. If his brother had planned to murder her it could be used to lessen or even forgive his sentence. She got up quickly.  
“I should… Go check on him,” Chloe said, feeling like she was inside a cloud. Maze didn’t stop her, just sat on the couch, continuing to stroke the stuffed animal Trixie had given her. Chloe grabbed her keys and headed out.  
-  
Lucifer breathed in gasps, choking a bit on blood coming out his mouth. He looked up at the ceiling and thought of heaven. All of this, everything, was his fault. This would never have happened if he had just listened to his father. All his siblings were happy to obey, but he betrayed them. He ran away from his family, damaging their lives forever. And Uriel. His baby brother would never see heaven again, or his family.  
“I’m sorry,” He bit his lip and his head fell again. “He can’t even hear me, he’s gone, forever,”  
-  
Chloe felt a wave of reality hit as the elevator dinged signally her arrival. She shook her head and took a deep breath and walked out.  
“Lucifer? I’m only here to talk, Maze-” She choked on her words as she saw Lucifer, lying on the floor in front of her, seeping blood with a knife in his chest. Her heart felt like it had shattered. She collapsed next to Lucifer, checking his pulse. With a spare hand she pulled out her phone and called for an ambulance. Her voice barely able to get the words out She put as much pressure as she could on the wound, bowing her head and hoping with all her heart the ambulance would come soon.  
-  
Lucifer felt like a brick at the bottom of a lake. His vision was coming back to him and the excessive brightness was extremely unwelcome. He groaned. He quickly felt a pressure on his hand and a voice in the distance calling his name. It was Chloe. He knew her voice. He wanted to escape, he couldn’t look at Chloe after what he had done.  
-  
“Lucifer, I’m here,” She said, pain filling her voice. She had been with him all night and into the morning. She told Dan and Maze what had happened. She told Dan out of weakness, she knew Lucifer wouldn’t want him to know but she was in such a state she couldn’t even think. Dan had come to support her and watch over Lucifer, but he kept his distance and sat outside the room. Maze hadn’t showed up. Chloe was mad at her, but she couldn’t stop to think about why, she could only think of Lucifer.  
“Lucifer?” She said as she heard him groan. She grabbed for his hand and squeezed it tight. She saw the tenseness in him and how he turned his head away.  
“Lucifer, I’m here.” She saw his shoulders relax as he let out a weighted sigh.  
“Of course you’re here, that’s just karma,” He said, and she couldn’t help but feel like a kicked puppy at how dejected he sounded.  
“Lucifer, please, I just- I heard about your brother,” He tensed, and pulled his hand from hers. He opened his eyes but didn’t look at her.  
“It wasn’t your fault… I heard what he was trying to do,” She didn’t want to grab his hand again over fear of him reacting badly so she gripped the bed sheet nervously instead.  
“It was my fault, I killed my little brother,” Lucifer grabbed the sheet tightly, tears pouring down his face. Chloe looked up at him and then down again.  
“You did it to protect me…” She didn’t know what to say, he had done something like that… for her.  
“I know, but that doesn’t make it right,” He said getting up a little to look at her. She met his gaze.  
“I could have chosen to send my mother back to hell… But I chose to save her… and you,” Chloe grabbed his hand, crying silently.  
“It wasn’t your fault,” She repeated, leaning down to lay her head on his lap. “Thank you,” Lucifer stared at her, surprised for a second but his eyes soon fell again. He stroked her hair gently as it was her turn to cry.


End file.
